Do I have to hold the door open for myself?

In high school, I rarely dated. When I say rarely, I mean almost never. I always felt like I was too busy, or the guy was never right, or was too short and stuff like that. Looking back there was only one or two boys that I regret not taking that chance with, but a problem I had, the reason that my brain never followed what my heart said was because I was afraid of losing myself. I was afraid to allow myself to be labeled someone’s “girlfriend” instead of just being Abby. 

When I started Rutgers I realized how lonely I was and how I wanted a boy to both sweep me off my feet and allow me to remain completely myself. There were some suitors, or “gentleman callers” as I prefer to call them, but none of them proved worthy. (I hate the term boyfriend, it presents images of “going steady” and “getting pinned” and gives me Cold War 1950s anxiety.) I was scared, something I do not like to admit, too scared that I would end up like so many women before me, completely overtaken by their male partner or worse, be “too feminist” and scare all the boys away. 

Now that I’ve managed to find a pretty awesome gentleman caller, I’ve realized that I wish I had been given some advice into dealing with dating while maintaining your awesome feminism. You do not have to change yourself; and the boy you’re with should never ask you to. It’s possible to remain independent and kickass while still finding a man. Here’s five pieces of advice that I think are pretty helpful for dating while a feminist. 

1. Never stop hanging out with your friends. If I have learned one thing over my nineteen years, it’s that alienating those around you to be with a guy will only end in heartbreak and no one to cry to. Set aside some time each week to spend with your gentleman caller and your friends. 


2. Spend some time alone. You don’t need to see the boy 24/7 and part of the issue of dating as a woman is that your relationship becomes your entire world. Unnecessary. Start a blog, do community theatre, play bass guitar in a band, do something that is completely your own. Don’t get swept up in being in a “couple”, it’s important to maintain your independence.

3. Never ask your guy to pay for everything, but accept when offered. Gentleman caller should’t feel like he has to burden your expenses on top of his own (this is 2012 after all!) but at the same time men feel like they need to take care of their girl. It’s not anti-feminist to accept, and always say thank you. But establish early on that while it’s wonderful for him to offer, that as an independent woman you can take care of yourself sometimes. And you can even offer to treat him as well, no harm, no foul! 

4. Don’t hide who you are. If he likes you, he will accept that being a feminist is part of who you are. He won’t necessarily be wearing a “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” t-shirt with you, but as long as he understands and treats you respectfully and doesn’t give you shit for believing what you believe, he’s worthy. A mistake I made is that I expected the guy to have the same political beliefs that I do; that won’t always happen. And sometimes a little difference in opinion is important! But on issues like abortion and birth control, make sure to talk about this from early on. You do not want to encounter a situation where this difference will ultimately end your relationship or keep you from making an important decision.

5. Don’t overthink everything. It’s not anti-Feminist to get swept up by a cute guy and become completely engrossed in your relationship. Believe me, it happens!! But always remember that your identity is your own, not based on your boyfriend. 

 Being in love isn’t anti-Feminist, always remain true to yourself and contradictions happen. Being a Feminist isn’t a clear cut belief system, there will be obstacles. But you shouldn’t have to go through them alone! 


-Abigail